I am an idiot.

I just signed up for an internet class called The Lord's Table by Setting Captive's Free. It's an internet based Bible study addressing weight loss. I am an idiot because I never saw the connection between my spiritual life and my food issues.

I discovered something today....drum roll please.....(my family should NOT say...gee...really?) ...

I am a certified control freak. I don't trust other people's driving, I have difficulty trusting other people's decisions, I am cynical (because I am not in charge..or I would have done better.) I am a brat. The sad thing is..I guess I was really blinded in that though I knew I had trouble trusting people, I never realized that I really struggle with trusting God. It's one thing to state it...it's another to really mean it and to live it. I trusted Him..just not completely. See..I'm an idiot. Like I thought I could do better? Sheesh. Seriously, what was I thinking?

I don't understand why I have such a hard time trusting..but I do. I am not going to blame it on childhood "issues" because, though I know they are a part of me, they aren't all of me...and they don't control me now. The thing is..I guess I'm a lot more like Eve than I thought.

Here is a sample of one of my answers to a question posed on the study....I don't need to state the question, you'll get the gist of it regardless...

I just can't believe that I've been blinded by this for so long. I am a pastor's wife for crying out loud. I counsel others yet, I don't listen to what I have told them. I guess I just haven't really surrendered completely to him. It has always been more of Jesus is my co-pilot...I was afraid to give up control completely.

It's ridiculous ...because I KNOW. it's not how i want to be, but i am so afraid of giving up control. i am afraid to trust. so scared. but logically i know that God won't let me down.

why am i so scared?


Now do you see why I am an idiot? Please pray that I can die to self. Seriously. I don't want to be in charge anymore.