Someone once told me...

Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Someone once told me

that it is best to not think about the past and just move forward. I don't know about anyone else, but it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not think about the past. Every single day, EVERY SINGLE day I am reminded of things I have done, of things done to me, of things that I wish I had done.

Now, please understand, I don't dwell on them at all. But the truth is, my past is a PART of me. It played a part in shaping me into who I am, but it is just a part. It is why I struggle to this day with thoughts, memories and images that are, truthfully, embarrassing. Thankfully, I can always run to God and he somehow gives me the strength to turn the thoughts off. But the thoughts don't disappear. The channel just changes.

I remember a time when I was a young teen, preteen probably, that I truly wondered if I was a lesbian. Not because I thought of women in that way, but because of the pornography. Surely I must be if I enjoyed reading it? I would just beat myself up emotionally and feel such remorse and guilt. Then the process would start over again.

It makes me mad. Mad. Mad that my parents didn't know about the "incidents" with the neighborhood dad and the teenager. How could they NOT pick-up on it? Mad that my parents were so self-consumed to watch what they wanted in front of a small child. Did they WANT me to struggle? Did they really think it wouldn't matter? They just didn't think , PERIOD.

I find it so bizarre that I have these feelings of anger and hurt, and then I go and visit my Dad and my heart just breaks for him. It is so sad to see him suffering with Alzheimer's. The anger just melts away. I do love him. Dearly. And somehow, some day I will be able to resolve these feelings.